My first novel (and hopefully not last)

[Tyrael]

Alright the first small section of my "grand work", I should probably contextualise it a little so here's the obligatory cheesy blurb type bit:

An organisation has just been massacred, brutally slaughtered by some unknown force. Their successors, not yet ready for the job, must deal with the complexity of their world's politics and re-establish the organisation's power with scent of civil war hanging in the air.

Spoiler:

The dull corridors, seemingly endless in their entirety, were not a welcoming sight. Not that a welcome was expected. Well, not a friendly one at that. Sabin harbored no illusions that their presence would go unnoticed; although the ‘Upper Corridors’ were treated with fear more than anything else. Cowards would always ignore potential danger if they could not deal with it.

His partner, ever an arrogant bastard, stood expectantly over him: completely silent. Aurion had uttered few words during the mission, making almost no attempts at any communication. Sabin did not care. He would rather not talk to the low-life in the first place.

Sabin watched the monitor with growing irritation. How ironic, he thought, snidely, that we are the ones who are still in control, not the little children that now think they run the place. They still hardly know half of what lies in these corridors!

Lights flashed. Sirens, wailing like banshees, coloured the air. The whole scene began pulsing.

Aurion, swaddled in a gray cloak, features completely blank, turned to look behind them. “Someone comes, Sabin.”

“Fucking hell! You think I needed you to tell me that?”

Aurion said nothing, only apathetically staring off down the empty, throbbing, corridor.

Sabin straightened. “Look, you do all that shit with the computer, I’ll handle whoever the hell this is.”

Aurion complied silently. Aurion rarely followed anyone except Harting’s orders and when he did obey Sabin the sheer lack of emotions shown further agitated him.

Sabin drew his weapons, for a moment the alarms flashing turned it crimson. He would make sure it tasted blood.

The temperature was rising. Vision was becoming indistinct as the internal mechanics of the ‘Upper Corridors’ sent heat cutting through the floor and walls, blurring the scenery with a curtain of heat haze. Through it all, however, a figure was visible.

He figure approached them, slowly growing as it drew closer. Sabin could see the navy blue uniform and the outline of what he guessed to be a man, but nothing else.

A drop of sweat fell, of the tightly gripped sword handle, and onto the ground, as Sabin struck.

Up close he could make out the man’s appearance. Dark hair, strong facial features, bleeding gash along the man’s shoulder. Sabin felt proud of that, as his opponent hit the ground.

His opponent scrambled to his feet, moving out of Sabin’s immediate range, grunting in pain. Sabin merely watched with a predatory gaze, a smile creeping slowly across his lips.

The culmination of eight month's work (no, not just that excerpt) so feedback is not so much welcome as it is requested. Be as vicious as you care as long as you are constructive.

 

[PATRON]

um, i need more

 

[Batman]

First of all , getting that draft complete is always a satisfying accomplishment. Here's my overall comments before I get into details. Overall it still feels a bit hazy, like things need to be fleshed about a bit more so I can get a better sense of the setting, the characters, thought I do remember you mentioning that chapters are on the shorter side, so it might be with the style of the piece. That being said, that is the general feeling I gathered. It makes me curious, which is a good thing. I'm kind of interested to see the why behind the what.

Also it feels rushed, though once again it is difficult to tell considering it's only an excerpt.

The dull corridors, seemingly endless in their entirety, were not a welcoming sight. Not that a welcome was expected. Well, not a friendly one at that. Sabin harbored no illusions that their presence would go unnoticed; although the ?Upper Corridors? were treated with fear more than anything else. Cowards would always ignore potential danger if they could not deal with it.

First off I would change the word their to something else, maybe his and partner or just say his. You bring the partner up later so there is little need to mention him right up from, it makes me confused as a reader. Take out "If they could not deal with it." It feels redundant.

His partner, ever an arrogant bastard, stood expectantly over him: completely silent. Aurion had uttered few words during the mission, making almost no attempts at any communication. Sabin did not care. He would rather not talk to the low-life in the first place.

Watch the adverbs, 'expectantly' 'completely' I say just take them out. Only use them when you want to make a point or when you cannot think of anything else. It reads better as "His partner, ever an arrogant bastard, stood over him." I doubt you need to mention that he's silent, either. Take out the word "any"

Sabin watched the monitor with growing irritation. How ironic, he thought, snidely, that we are the ones who are still in control, not the little children that now think they run the place. They still hardly know half of what lies in these corridors!

The second sentence is a bit confusing. I would change it up so the phrasing doesn't sound so convoluted. Same thing about the adverbs as well.

Lights flashed. Sirens, wailing like banshees, coloured the air. The whole scene began pulsing.

I like this sentence a lot, just change began pulsing to pulsated, or pulsed (if you want to keep it in the present tense)

Aurion, swaddled in a gray cloak, features completely blank, turned to look behind them. ?Someone comes, Sabin.?

?Fucking hell! You think I needed you to tell me that??

Aurion said nothing, only apathetically staring off down the empty, throbbing, corridor.

Sabin straightened. ?Look, you do all that shit with the computer, I?ll handle whoever the hell this is.?

In the phrase "only apathetially staring off. . . " you have a tense problem.

Aurion complied silently. Aurion rarely followed anyone except Harting?s orders and when he did obey Sabin the sheer lack of emotions shown further agitated him.

Change the second 'Aurion' to 'He'. Add a comma after 'orders' and after 'Sabin'.

Sabin drew his weapons, for a moment the alarms flashing turned it crimson. He would make sure it tasted blood.

I find myself wanting you to describe the weapons as he draws them. If their swords, I want to see them leave the sheath, if their pistols I want to feel the weight in his hands. Basically expand a bit.

The temperature was rising. Vision was becoming indistinct as the internal mechanics of the ?Upper Corridors? sent heat cutting through the floor and walls, blurring the scenery with a curtain of heat haze. Through it all, however, a figure was visible.

The second sentence is passive, change it to active for a stronger effect. ex: "As the internal mechanis of the 'Upper Corridors' sent heat cutting through the floor and walls, vision was becoming insdistinct. . . "

He figure approached them, slowly growing as it drew closer. Sabin could see the navy blue uniform and the outline of what he guessed to be a man, but nothing else.

A drop of sweat fell, of the tightly gripped sword handle, and onto the ground, as Sabin struck.

Up close he could make out the man?s appearance. Dark hair, strong facial features, bleeding gash along the man?s shoulder. Sabin felt proud of that, as his opponent hit the ground.

Typo from the first word, I think you meant to say The, but personally I would change it to 'A figure' as there has been no prior mention of one before. Too many comma's in that sentence that's its own paragraph. I would also start that sentence with Sabin's strike, and end with the rolling sweat. Unless you are trying to take away from the action on purpose. The last sentence could be two sentences.

His opponent scrambled to his feet, moving out of Sabin?s immediate range, grunting in pain. Sabin merely watched with a predatory gaze, a smile creeping slowly across his lips.

Once again just watch the adverbs 'merely' 'slowly'.

Overall I like it. But it does need work. Now these are my personal critiques. I tried not to alter any of the sentences from their original structure, but advise in a way that might help with your own style of writing. I'm excited that other people are completing projects too. I look forward to more of your work.

 

[Tyrael]

Thanks a lot man (apparently I have to spread some rep around before I can rep you) but the excerpt was written so long ago that stylistically it is very premature and needs a bit of work. And yeah, chapters average about 4/5 A4 pages so there is a minimalism present in the style. Cheers for your comments.

Oh yeah and somethin' I'd like to hear from people is if they would put the book down or keep reading.

 

[Dream Brother]

Since Witcher and Batman have already taken a scalpel to the grammar and more technical aspects, I thought I?d help by chipping in from a more abstract perspective. Warning -- these may just be observations based on differing styles of writing rather than something you really need to change, so take it with a pinch of salt.

His partner, ever an arrogant bastard, stood expectantly over him: completely silent.

My advice would be to cut this line completely, and to actually show the partner behaving in an arrogant/expectant/silent manner. As for Sabin, his irritation in response to this could easily be communicated with some sort of facial/body language or via inner monologue in italics. I?m always more appreciative of authors who take this tactic rather than drop it in the main narrative, because it seems like a more refined and less lazy approach.

I quite liked your dialogue -- the exchange between the two seemed authentic, and you weren?t afraid to use swearing, which a lot of people (for some odd reason) shy away from.

strong facial features

Strong in what way? Obviously going too far into depth when describing facial features can be of detriment rather than something positive, but it certainly doesn?t hurt to flesh out his image just a little more, and be less vague. I?d say that there should be a delicate balance between describing the character in too much depth (and thus perhaps stifling the reader?s imagination) and packing too little flesh on the bones, and leaving them with barely anything to work off, the opposite negative extreme.

I found the whole thing quite interesting, and I wouldn?t mind you posting more extracts to read. It had me wondering how the scene continued, which is, of course, always a good thing when it comes to writing, because of the only fixed rule of the craft that all must obey -- Do Not Bore Thy Reader. I wasn't bored.

 

[Tyrael]

Cheers for your feedback, it worries me how much I managed to miss (damn typo) but as I am sure you all know editing from an objective standpoint is a difficult skill to develop.

Warning -- these may just be observations based on differing styles of writing rather than something you really need to change, so take it with a pinch of salt.

Always do man.

Mainly I'm wondering why a civilization advanced enough to have computers and sirens and flashing lights would still feature guys running around swinging swords at each other, so I'd continue reading.

This point especially is helpful, there is a justification for these odd contradictions (hopefully a convincing one) but due to the information dump that it might entail as of yet it has not been incorporated into the text on an elaborative scale-merely touched on.

Thanks again, its great to hear that the first excerpt from my first full piece of work does not turn stomachs.

 

[neko-sennin]

Looks as if others have already given you a sound proofreading, grammatically, so I'll just stick to impressions of the storytelling and character.

You're off to a good start, the story pulls you right in. For fighters working in the midst of combat and chaos, they come across as experienced and competent at their respective specialties, and give an immediate sense of rapport with each other. And I'm not going to make any bones about the vagueness of it; as you said, this is a fragment, at most a prologue, so, as a reader, I entered with the expectation that as the scene progressed, more info would be revealed about the setting and events in the course of the narrative. The fact that you chose to break in in the midst of things suggests to me that your approach is to work expository in as needed, and given how cryptic the factions and agenda are, you may even stick with the "mystery and intrigue" card, revealing some information on a "need to know" basis with readers. Which is a perfectly respectable way to maintain suspense and interest, as long as you're sure to drop answers or hints every now and then.

I would be very interested in reading more, but won't pressure you.

 

[Tyrael]

It's about time I fed you another snippet. Be cruel (but not idiotic obviously).

Spoiler:

"There is a security breach level 1, on the fourteenth floor of the Upper Corridor.”

Director of Citizen Alpha, Lucas Kilminster, turned to the flashing array of lights in front of him.

“Is the area secured?”

“Yes, we have activated shut down on the system they are in, sir. There is a marked increase in pressure and temperature in the area, however. Keeping them in there could be fatal.”

“Do you have any other suggestions Craik?”

“No sir.”

“Then they stay. How did the breach occur?”

“I don’t know sir. It is impossible for them to even be there in the first place.”

Lucas massaged his forehead. He felt the pressure pushing him hard, he had too much to prove. Too much to do.

“Can we get visual confirmation there is a breach?” said Lucas, deftly regaining focus.

“Yes sir, I can send a direct image to the command centre.”

“Okay, just observe for the moment, they cannot go anywhere.”

The visage faded as Lucas turned off the monitor and, reluctantly, pulled himself to his feet.

Intruders in the Upper Corridors? Lucas did not know half as much about the place as Smith Craik; he probably did not even know half as much as smith on most matters. He could see quite clearly, however, that there was no question in the impossibility of the whole of Citizen Alpha being bypassed and the Corridors being infiltrated was not on only impossible, but, also, completely pointless.

As he stepped out of his dark office he made his way directly into the lift, instructing Hillary to cancel all of his appointments for the day. It was going to be a tough one.

Stepping out of the lift as its doors slid open he was hit by a sight that made him momentarily despair. The section of the 16th Corridor displayed on the oversized main screen in the command centre showed the section open, and a heavily in injured soldier lying prone.

“What the hell is going on here?” he shouted, storming over one of the five bridges leading to the raised hub of the command centre. Most of his shout was lost to the huge, domed, ceiling that was hidden in a depth of shadow.

“The-there has been a temporary overriding of the TFC protocol in the Corridors’ mainframe,” Dylan croaked, flustered, long hair swaying as he shook his head.

“What does that mean?” Lucas had a further sinking feeling in his gut.

“What Dylan is trying to say is that they’ve taken advantage of something we never even knew existed in the Corridors’ mainframe,” Smith translated, “essentially they have more control over the system down there than we do.”

“What are you doing to counter this?”

“We are trying to regain control,” answered Smith.

“Trebuchet, can you do it alone?”

“I see no reason why I would need assistance,” said Dylan, “It is a fairly mandatory-”

“Craik, I want you to get in contact with the soldiery and the medical department, tell them to send down-how many people are we dealing with?”

“There were two of them,” Smith replied.

“Okay, tell them to send down a group of five, to sweep the area. Get the medic to take a look at-who is that?”

“It’s Daniel McLeod, sir.”

“Get onto that right away.”

A Lucas put his head in his hands for a moment. Focus!

It annoyed him that the command centre was only run by two people. Just a week ago the place would have been bustling, below him the rows of regimentally ordered workstations would each have an employee to deal with the running of the organisation. Then came the incident.

Even the raised central platform, gaps in the circumference not leading onto bridges were punctuated by terminals. There was an awful lot of unused hardware.

He felt guilty at having to put Daniel’s safety at a lower priority than stopping the intruders, but he had been well aware as to what decisions the job may entail when he took it. He had to think about everyone before he could think about anyone.

He glanced back up at the screen. Still, the image remained.

“Can we not get an image of the intruders up there?”

“Well,” said Craik, swivelling around as he finished dispatching messages to the various divisions, “Islington went down there to help Daniel himself, he said sir.”

“What? What about Gina Winters?”

“You know Gina’s a serial skiver sir, she was up here when Islington called to report this.”

“So we have no one in surveillance?”

“I am currently rerouting the signals so that we can take control up here. Due to the way this stupid things is designed though, it’ll take another twenty minutes. They may have escaped beyond the range of our sight by then.”

“Have you moved the priority of the Tangents down?”

“Yes, the Lieutenant Director messaged me to tell me raise this to top priority and pass command to you sir.”

“How kind,” Lucas mumbled under his breath.

“Can I request that another controller handles the surveillance?” Smith asked.

“Go ahead, I want to find Helena, she knows more than she lets on,” Lucas shook his head, “my second in command is meant to make my life easier, not harder.”

“Sir,” said Smith carefully, “you might want to see this.”

He pivoted back around to the big screen, that had a headline scrawled along the bottom of it, Lucas felt ten years older when he got to the end of it.

Live Rioting in Greymonk