The winter hit Montreal with strength this week. I wasn't expecting it. Snow started falling 3 days ago and it hasn't stopped since. My head was in the clouds and even though we are in November already, I was still living in fall. It took only one night before the ground was covered of a white carpet.

More than 4 days in a row that I have a headache. I took pills, I slept, I ate well... nothing cured it. Weirdly enough, it seems my boyfriend suffers from the same recurring headaches.

I am not sure anymore of what I'll do with my life. Who is, anyway? Perhaps some wise people know exactly what they wanna do... But I am not part of them. I have to apply for university in 3-4 months. I already chose the university, but not the program. I wanted to go for East Asian Studies and learn Japanese as well as Asian culture and economy. But I ain't sure anymore. That being a Major and considered as a specialization most of the time, I'd have to study something complementary. I though about International Relationships which interests me, but after some reflexion I realized that I'd probably end up in a cubicle with a pile of documents on my desk to keep me busy.

I must add that the worst thing that could happen to me is this: Having a house of a normal size in a normal suburb, driving a minivan and having 2 or 3 kids waiting for me at home after working in my office, employed by a normal company. In this nightmare, I'd probably have a swimming pool in my backyard like my neighbor. My house would look like his and I'd have a dog.

Imagining this gives me chills. The American Dream. The "good" life. What your parents want you to be like. What society tells you to be like. This way of life is something that I will try to avoid. That I will avoid. Or else I will perish in my own sadness and shame.

Studying in the fields stated above will almost necessarily lead me to this way of life. I am now totally confused about my future job. I wanted to take East Asian Studies because I love Asia and its culture, especially Japan. I wanted to make a trip to Japan for some months. But how would I be welcomed? I'd probably be perceived as some stupid Caucasian and a disturbance in a country as racist as Japan. Wherever in Asia I would go, I would be tagged as North American and I believe my love for this continent would be forever one sided.

I then asked myself what I really wanted to do. I answered myself that I wanted to draw. For myself. And to do web design too. For others. I also wanted to travel.

I wish I could put all these wishes in a magic microwave that would cook me in 2 minutes the magic solution. Hot and juicy; Vervex's perfect life, ready to be lived.

If any of you has one of these microwaves, please tell. I'm interested.