This might not make sense at times because I typed it out of order.

All my friends are married. Except one, and he's having sex with a married woman, so it's almost the same thing. Maybe I should have started with all my friends are having sex with married women.


All my friends are having sex with married women. No exceptions. Except my online friends, I guess.


All my friends in real life are having sex with married women. No exceptions. I have a few acquaintances that are not, and at least one of those is still a virgin, God bless him, but otherwise...

Not only are my friends getting laid on a regular basis, but they're also all whipped. I live with two friends who are married to each other. I feel sorry for poor Jared. We'll be sitting in the office, each on a computer, throwing down some hardcore gaming, when the cry comes. "Jared! Jared! Jare-Ed!" Katy is in the living room, sunken into the couch, and she wants a bag of chips, or a Kleenex, or for the trash to be taken out. God forbid she push pause on her TiVo, stopping the heated competition of Top Chef or the crazy machinations on that Bravo tv show with the gay house flipper. No, Jared is in here, and he's not doing anything "important", so it's his duty to do it. And he does, every time, without fail. Sometimes he'll at least grumble, but most of the time he doesn't.

In fact, to further emphasize the point, he was just in here. And he was in here for about 45 seconds before she started yelling at him for things. Nothing important, mind. She wanted to announce that she had finished a chapter in her book. When he didn't respond, she came in here to tell him. Big fucking whoop.


I don't know why this should convince people that I want to find a wife, but it does. I'm not really sure of the reasons myself.

God Katy is loud. It's like she's helpless while he is around.

Maybe I want to feel as if I'm needed. Maybe I want to proof you don't have to be a slave to the woman you marry. Maybe I'm hoping I can treat her the way Katy treats Jared. Or maybe I'm just lonely and want someone to take my side in all things.

And then there is Josh and Diana. Josh and Diana got married after I helped them meet at summer camp. Josh was 22 at the time, and Diana wasn't quite 17. They had sex, and then Diana's parents found out and Josh had to marry her then.

Josh really treats Diana poorly. He talks down to her all the time, telling her its not the time for this or that such and such. It's a shame, I think, but Josh is clearly superior intellectually, being smart enough to rival me. But despite Josh seeming to have the upper hand at times, it's really Diana who calls the shots. Josh can't have people over without plenty of warning so Diana can pick up the house. Josh gets home before Diana does so he always cooks her supper, sometimes calling it an early night so he can do just that. Josh had to kick his little sister and cousin out of his house because Diana didn't want them living there any more. Then Diana invites her best friend to move in with them, taking the entire upstairs as her own and ruining my chances at living there. Just last weekend the friend, Ashley, made Josh drive her to Illinois from Arkansas for a family reunion.

My friend Drew is a total ass. Anytime a girl is involved he drops everything to accommodate her. Doesn't matter who it is, she gets the front seat when we go places. We'll be in the middle of an intense game of cards when he'll get the phone call. He won't return for half an hour. Once he had a few of us over to his parents' house to watch a movie in their theater. Upon arriving he had to answer one such phone call. The three of us spent a full hour sitting in the dark listening to him talk to his girlfriend. He didn't even give an explanation or tell us it'd just be a minute or... anything. And when he finished, no apology. I'm scared to drive places with him because the phone always takes priority. What do you do for 90 minutes while he's in an intimate conversation two feet away? Do you pretend the entire time not to listen? This summer we tented together at camp, which is where he met his current married bitch, and I didn't see him at all after they hooked up. Half the time he slept over in her cabin. On the weekends, despite us being the closest thing there is to best friends I imagine, he would leave with her. Here we were in the middle of the Ozark mountains, with plenty of things to do, guy things, canoing, caving, rock climbing, hiking, etc, and he sneaks off with her to... buy a kitten? One weekend both her sister and his roommate came to visit and they both ditched them on me and took off as usual. I spent the entire day babysitting them (topped off by eventually sleeping with her sister).

And finally there comes my friend Nick. Nick and I were inseparable in high school. Every weekend I'd spend at his house in the country playing video games and cards and hanging out with his ultra cool parents. I convinced him to take Latin, join the Drama club, and drop out of school with me. He only got mad at me once, over a girl. I had told him she wasn't good for him. I was right. At the time, however, he didn't take it very well.

He ended up marrying another girl he met in college. They dated for around a month before they decided to do it on a whim. The two are as happy as can be, now. They already have two kids. Course, I haven't seen him in over a year and even that was at his father's funeral. We recently talked again via email. He owns a record store now and has a band that plays occasionally at clubs and stuff. Super cool stuff. But the marriage, and then the kids. It's a different life. Are we friends still? He seems to think so, but... The few times I go out of my way to visit him I just seem to get in the way. I'm happy for him, I really am, but now that he's got a family it's like he doesn't have time for friends.

Whatever the reason, the search sucks. My first candidate was my ex-girlfriend, Amanda. She's fairly attractive. Attractive enough to hit on. We dated for about six months or so. I don't know if she was serious or not, but she wanted to get married at the end of it. We actually went looking for rings. But I didn't want to get married then, at least not to her. She was a momentary distraction, a piece of ass, a way to make myself feel better about being... me, I guess. I didn't treat her very good. But she did start the relationship, the week we had sex for the first time, by making out with two guys, and then letting a third finger her. And she lied about it to me until she couldn't any longer. Still, I stayed with her, but it was at that moment that I realized that I could never love her, and that the relationship wasn't going to work. Breaking up just seemed too hard. So instead I started treating her like shit. I'd ignore her to do things with friends. I'd force her to clean my room or to pay her own way to the movies. I'd not pay attention when she called me on the phone. Yet, despite all that, the sex kept coming and she even started saying she loved me. She started talking about our future and kids and... ugh.

Well, we broke up. I initiated it, she just carried through. Some good things came from it. My friend Josh met his current wife Diana through Amanda. Amanda and Diana were best friends, and Diana helped with our break-up.

After Amanda I went after a girl named Andrea. Andrea was awesome when I met her, but she was six years younger than I am. If you can do some basic math, that means she was illegal when I met her. In fact, I don't think she turns 18 until next month. So I never pursued her. We became friends. We talked a lot. We worked together.

It's a funny thing, love triangles. Andrea is actually Diana's little sister and another friend of Amanda's. Through Amanda, I met Andrea. And through my relationship with Amanda, I've actually seen Andrea naked and Andrea has seen me having sex. I'm sure something in there might be against the law, but it was all accidental, I assure you. Like I'm assuring you that I never tried anything with Andrea.

But, Andrea never worked out. I lost interest when she became a hippy. Too many drugs, too much Dave Matthews. And she talks much too much. She's gotten better looking as she ages, but it's not enough to offset her mouth and lifestyle.

And then there's KnK. My internet fling. She still won't have me and has actually gone as far as convinced the rest of the forum that she's a man. It's not true! KnK would be my fifth favorite person ever if she would ever talk to me. She avoids the fuck out of me, though, for no good reason. It's funny. The two of us have sooo much in common, so much to talk about, and yet she pulls away. It's sad.

My goal for finding a wife is only intensified as time passes. I'm hoping my time at Basic Training will whip my body into shape. Women are shallow, and I know I'm good looking because I've been hit on by random women before (and at least three times by gay men). Maybe being cut again will aid me in getting the ones I want. So, as it stands, I'll wait until next spring to renew my efforts. Until then, if any of you ladies feel like applying for the position, you know where to find me. Don't be shy. I have high standards, but I'm a pretty nice guy otherwise.