I know there are those of you out there who thrown for a loop when it comes to this newfangled "Online Gaming." However, I have the solution, this quick guide will give you all the know how and knowledge to pass yourself as a pro. These are actual strategies and sayings used by the body of online gaming, so you'll be able to make stupid with the best of 'em.


First rule of advice:

Losing is never your fault, ever. It generally is either one of two scenarios, which we'll go over in a moment.

Teamates suck: This may happen to you a lot during your online travels, and the fact that you get paired up with losers isn't your fault, but you don't have to let them off the hook. Whenever you lose a game, make sure you tell your team mates that it's their fault, not yours. Disregard the fact that you may not even have a single point, and were actually killing your own. They were squandering your talents.

Others are cheating: It's a known fact that whenever your team is the best, probably because they're like you, but you still hapen to lose, that the other team is cheating. Make sure to yell profanities to them when you can, as this makes them feel guilty for cheating. So what if you were running around the map shooting the ceiling, it was their hacking that did it.


Secong rule of advice:

You are obviously smarter, more talented and probably better looking than your team mate counter parts, so don't listen to anyone but number one.

Take whatever you want: Chances are that you are better than anyone on your team at any given scenario, weapon or strategy, so don't listen when they tell you to do something, or to leave a weapon alone. You are the best of the best, they are just jealous of you. If you kill your team mates with the explosive weapons, it's their fault for getting in the way. And if you drive into things constantly, the game designers should have made a better designed vehicle. It's not your fault they are incompetant.

Plans are for noobs: Now, there will be people that will try to get you to act as a part of the team, during your online play. They are trying to hold you back, and make you do things that are boring, don't listen to them. Ignore the fact that the game type has "Team" in it, that's irrelevant. The only strategy you need is to yell and run in with guns blazing, and if you die, it's your team's fault for not backing you up. You are a born leader, you can't help it if the others are too stupid to see it.


Third rule of advice:

Sportsmanship and courtesy are uncool. Do not, under any circumstances, acknowledge your opponents as human beings; be sure to ridicule, mock and use a slew of vulgarities, profanities and racial comments to them to make them realize their place.

Post game: If you do happen to lose, make sure to insult your opponents as much as possible, and remind them, many times over, that the only reason they won was either due to your sucky team, or the fact that they were cheating. They know it, they feel the guilt. If you win, and your opponent says "nice game" or some other such nonsense, make sure to tell him to go procreate with himself and sign off. He's mocking you, mock him back.

Your high pitched nasally voice and you: It's a well documented fact that the best players on games are those that are loud, obnoxious, whiny and generally annoying. Your declarations of intellectual, and physical superiority fill your opponents with shame. Not to mention questioning their sexuallity. If they complain that you are annoying, laugh to yourself, they feel ashamed, and don't know how to deal with it. Good work.

Women and girls are not people: Another well documented fact is that any female gamer you encounter online likes being harrassed, insulted and hit on relentlessly. They don't really know how to play the game, their boyfriend is probably just letting them play for fun or something. They are not as smart as you, and are willing to fall for your blatant and crude sexual advances. Any gamer that says she is a girl, and does well, is lying. It's your duty as a male gamer to put them in their place and offer suggestive practice constantly until they fall for your nasally whistles and high pitched whooping.

In conclusion, yes, it's a fun and wonderful world online, but remember, you're always right, better and cooler.