Speaker A: You were not announced.
Speaker B: I am not here

Go away, Reader.

Speaker A: They have never found anything to replace her.

Waste your time somewhere else.

Speaker B: We have forgotten more cruelty than you could ever remember.

I am and not, I freeze yet am burned
Since from myself another self I turned.

She knew me, in this moment, four hundred and twenty six years ago.

I can't even know the heart of someone, in this moment, six months/six weeks/six days/six hours/six minutes/six seconds ago.

Speaker B: Must I be made of stone?

I am soft and made of melting snow.

Waking up this morning felt like a violation.

Every morning I've woken up in the past month and a half, easily, has felt like a violation. I feel violated. Lately, it feels too much like rape.

There is no warm house fitted to my need.

I've got the keys, but I think I might've thrown them away before this moment. I've not spoken to my best friend in over three weeks. We would talk almost every night. I've not spoken to my other best friend for the same period of time. I would speak to him at least once every two or three days to catch up.

I do not consciously make this decision, as my doors are open should they ever need me... I keep my word no matter what else is going on. Reaching out? Forget it. Fucking forget it.

Maybe I have to find a more solid bottom to hit before I can seek aid. I don't honestly know.

The best I can do for myself at this point is place this all down somewhere so I can continue with some sense of person. I guess to record, no matter how awful it gets, the person I am right now.

I have not kept up any communication that is personal. This is extremely unusual for me, as I am a very intimacy oriented person. I like sharing myself with those close to me.

I've only kept those casual moments where I don't think I care what the response is to my question or if I even care about a response at all, or where my amusement is hollow and laugher edges on hysterical.

Not even this feels personal anymore.

Somewhere deep down I am disturbed, worried, and very hurt by the way I am watching. I am reacting on one level and responding on another level. I have tried, and on some level I will continue to try, because I'm not known to lay down and play dead... However, it feels like it is less me and something else that is at work. Something that is me, but is... not me at all.

There are millions of questions I could ask, but I don't know what the questions are and I have none of the answers.

I simply cannot bring myself to care. You have no idea how dangerous that admission is.