Every morning I've woken up in the past month and a half, easily, has felt like a violation. I feel violated. Lately, it feels too much like rape.
There is no warm house fitted to my need.
I've got the keys, but I think I might've thrown them away before this moment. I've not spoken to my best friend in over three weeks. We would talk almost every night. I've not spoken to my other best friend for the same period of time. I would speak to him at least once every two or three days to catch up.
I do not consciously make this decision, as my doors are open should they ever need me... I keep my word no matter what else is going on. Reaching out? Forget it. Fucking forget it.
Maybe I have to find a more solid bottom to hit before I can seek aid. I don't honestly know.
The best I can do for myself at this point is place this all down somewhere so I can continue with some sense of person. I guess to record, no matter how awful it gets, the person I am right now.
I have not kept up any communication that is personal. This is extremely unusual for me, as I am a very intimacy oriented person. I like sharing myself with those close to me.
I've only kept those casual moments where I don't think I care what the response is to my question or if I even care about a response at all, or where my amusement is hollow and laugher edges on hysterical.
Not even this feels personal anymore.
Somewhere deep down I am disturbed, worried, and very hurt by the way I am watching. I am reacting on one level and responding on another level. I have tried, and on some level I will continue to try, because I'm not known to lay down and play dead... However, it feels like it is less me and something else that is at work. Something that is me, but is... not me at all.
There are millions of questions I could ask, but I don't know what the questions are and I have none of the answers.
I simply cannot bring myself to care. You have no idea how dangerous that admission is.
I think that you don't need aid, so much as you need to try and rekindle your friendships. It was the same for me during my school holidays, I felt alone and shitty and all that. I've been back at school 2 days and I feel a lot happier.
That's my two cents. I love this blog though, I can relate to it.
I've got the keys, but I think I might've thrown them away before this moment. I've not spoken to my best friend in over three weeks. We would talk almost every night. I've not spoken to my other best friend for the same period of time. I would speak to him at least once every two or three days to catch up.
Something quite similar has happened to me before. Not wanting to even connect with the people that I care for most deeply. And yet, they're all I have.
Unfortunately for me, whenever I instant message one of my bestfriends, all I truly want to do now is to find out how angry I can get her, see if I can get her to loathe me with every scrap of her being (figuratively speaking). I hardly try though, choosing restraint. It's a terrible thing to wish, I know, but at least it's something that might turn our now bleak relationship into something more worthwhile. It reminds me of a vague quotation around the idea of "Better to be recognized and hated than to be shuffled off the edge into oblivion." I don't know why I believe it... Still trying to see if I can get back what seems to have been so unceremoniously ripped out from under my feet.
Serena Ahnell said:
Maybe I have to find a more solid bottom to hit before I can seek aid. I don't honestly know.
Like watching yourself under glass, isn't it? Or something similar... I never really have the right analogies/metaphors. Behind a mirror perhaps? With that disconcerting disconnection? My apologies if I sound callous. I honestly don't mean to.
But I guess, there's a certain point where you just have to make up your mind and trust what you know, or what you think you know, and play along with the absurdity that is life.
Serena Ahnell said:
I simply cannot bring myself to care. You have no idea how dangerous that admission is.
I have to agree, coming to that point of realization is (or can be) one of the most frightening things to acknowledge... Apathy is truly a killer. And one of the hardest things of all, I think, is re-kindling that inspiration, flame, or what have you, which lends will and life to things. Or at least, so it feels for me. Slipping into such sentiments just seems to sap all the color from life if I dwell in it too much. Everything just marinates in a sea of grey illusions... Then again, it might just be the fact that I am a weak person. But as Perverse said, "I understand this".
And as Perverse mentioned, perhaps reaching out isn't such a bad idea. Could be a nice change in the daily routine, something unexpected or even refreshening. Maybe? Even if it's just once, perhaps, that could help ease the pressure.
Serena, you almost always seem to have the right words to express ideas with the utmost clarity. I don't know how you do it, but it puts me in a state between awe and envy.
And I truly, sincerely hope that things in your life will come into a more satisfying alignment than they currently are.
