I don't pray... but I do wish fervently for certain things.

Forecast for my area:

Oct 24 Today
Rain showers early then thundershowers by the afternoon. High 73F. WSW winds shifting to N at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 90%. Rainfall around a quarter of an inch.
Oct 24 Tonight
Showers and thundershowers early, then overcast overnight with occasional rain. Low 58F. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Rainfall possibly over one inch.
Oct 25 Tomorrow
Rain early...then remaining cloudy with showers in the afternoon. High near 60F. Winds NE at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 70%. Rainfall near a half an inch.
Oct 25 Tomorrow night
Cloudy with showers. Low 58F. Winds ENE at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 60%.
Oct 26 Friday
Rain and thunder. Highs in the upper 60s and lows in the low 60s.
Oct 27 Saturday
Chance of showers. Highs in the low 70s and lows in the mid 50s.

I don't think my wishes have been granted like this in a long time.

Reflections on rain:

"It's hard to think with a head full of rain."

I do my best thinking in the rain.

When I was little I used to play outside in dangerous thunderstorms. Thunder would crack and I was never afraid. I could feel the vibrations through my body and the rain beating down on me, cold and heavy, and I felt and thought, "This is what it means to be without apology."

As I grew older I'd pop open an umbrella... or sometimes not, and go take long walks in the rain. I like watching the water roll down my skylight and just lay under it listening to the sound.

I love the rain especially when it is freezing outside. It's painful. It's freezing. It's bitter. It's rain that makes my body feel alive and aware. It hammers down on me, but it makes me realize what I've been missing and find a new appreciation for the things I take for granted. I let the rain soak me from head to toe, walk home once I've found what I needed to find, and take a scalding hot shower.

If it is still raining after I've showered, I'll lay under the skylight and let it wash over me in a different way.

Listening to the sound of rain at night calms me, and puts me to a place where I can feel with clarity. I think too much, and when I think... I fuck up. I make my worst mistakes when I think, but I end up so fearful of everything that I tell myself I must think. "Thinking will keep me safe, you safe, everyone under the sun safe. If I think staying away will help, then it must help. I think so. I think. I think. I think." Thinking makes me careless, selfish, and thoughtless... and this has only been proven true the past couple of weeks and I'm doing all the things I don't want to do when I think.

In the rain I can feel, express, and give. I need the rain to open me up so I can pour myself out. My most meaningful moments have happened in the rain and were surrounded by rain.

The ten year old girl in me wants to run far away and clam up. The nineteen year old girl is strangling that little girl's fears this morning because the ten year old is hurting you and breaking my heart. In a month the nineteen year old girl has found something out of this world and she won't give it up for anything. She just has to get some courage to feel and reach.

I wish I could tell you all of this vocally, but I'm still afraid you'd get tired of me... and my feelings. Maybe I'm still thinking.

I am sorry I have been thinking too much.

I want to take you home with me, and I want you to stay. Let me take you home, and try to stay when I stumble.

I just hope I can pick up where the rain left off.

I need to sleep. I'm feeling too much right now.