I just woke up this morning with a knot in the oit of my stomach that has been there since 12:05 January 1. The last thing we did was talk about what I've done wrong, how I'm pusihing him away, and how he can't count on me the way I do on him.
We started the New Year off with me getting depressed over not being with him that night (he's away on a bowl trip) even though I had been waiting all day for his call. I wited and waited, only to miss it. I called him back at 12:01 and then proceeded to get down about a couple minutes in when he had been so eager to hear my voice and I ruined it for us both.
I'm not happy with my life, and even when it's not his fault, I lash out at him. I've done things like that before - fixated on what wasn't exactly how I wanted it to be, instead of just being happy with what I had. It seems I just won't akkow myself to be happy because things aren't the way that I want them to be right now.
He called me back to talk about an hour or so later because he was still angry amd hurt. That conversation ended with him asking me if I really could change, and if not, I should let him know right then. Oh God, I feel like I'm dying. Like I can't get enough air.
I want to change, but as he pointed out, I've been saying things like that and "I need a hobby so that I'm not so depressed" for a year now. I've changed some, and it's been a while since I last snapped at him over nothing, but this time may have finally done it.
I want to stop, and I want to stop hurting us both. I just wonder if it's not too late now. It just hurts so bad because he's my best friend on top of that, and was before we even got together. I don't know what he's thinking right now (I usually don't), but I'm can't sleep peacefully because I may lose two of the most important people in my life - my boyfriend, and my best friend.
Oh God, please help me. I don't want to lose him, or continue to hurt myself either.