The problematic is always to find a way to start a text. At least for me. It seems that no beginning is good enough. Or sometimes it doesn't truly express in the good order the message I want to share. But every text has a beginning, I cannot escape it. I'll start this way.
I've never really known what I wanted. Strangely, I have had goals all my life, such as being successful, have money, be known all over the world... Teenage and childish dreams. I've always had this fear of failure and only recently I realized it was consuming me entirely, even in my art. So, I was saying "I have had goals"... Yes, but this same fear of failure kept pushing me down. I was scared that if I put my expactions too up, they wouldn't be met, and I'd fail. I've never failed. But I've never accomplished anything incredible either. Within two years, I have lost the will to really succeed, because the road to success is also a dangerous path that can take you to failure if you get lost or don't take the good decision. So I watch this road, uncertain.
I am at this moment filled with fear. I have written my thoughts in the past but never published them anywhere. And I never wrote so deeply. I believe I have never been so troubled either. Usually, when I am too troubled, I don't write at all. But I am in one of these rares moments when you have to let our some pressure, or you will explode.
I don't know what to expect from life anymore. Yet I am willing to live. Oh don't misunderstand me, this is not a suicide not. I wanna live. I always wanted to. But as I keep quiet I feel like my vision is being blurred. "I don't know" is leading my life all the way. I've never known what I wanted. I've always been a good student, a responsible girl. I had to take decisions in my life, and I realized that I was basing those decisions mainly on things that I didn't want to do rather than things I wanted to do. I've moved to Montreal because I didn't wanna live in Quebec. I've chosen the Arts and Literature program because all the other programs were uninteresting. I work because I don't wanna starve. Hopefully, some decisions I took were based on wishes of happiness. I don't regret them.
I'm driven by the will to improve, still. I don't know why I feel this need. I don't know where it will take me. But I believe I am good, and I wanna be better, if I can. There are actually things I would like, but would they make me happy? Will they?
I know who I am. I know how I am. I just don't understand what I want. I was expecting something. Maybe I am still. I'm scared nothing will happen and I will keep sitting on this chair, grow old, live poor and die. I am very unhappy when I think about this possibility. I do not want that. Then what do I want? I don't know. Perhaps I want to be happy. Or would happiness be enough to satisfy me? What am I expecting?
I would like not to have to fight to live. I would like not to have to work on weekends. This job is giving me nothing. Oh it isn't bad... probably the best partial time job I was employed for. But I don't plan to stay there all my life. I would like to be able to travel like I want. I would like to meet people. I would like people to be open, intelligent. I would like them to share some of my ideas. I would like to be happy. I would like to learn without restriction. I would like to meet great minds who would be willing to share their knowledge with me. That would make me happy.
And I want to be happy.
I hate to wait. People tell me that I am still young. That I have all life in front of me. But it makes years that I am waiting. And time is running too fast. Not long ago I was a kid. Not long ago I was a toddler. I understand why some of us want to make time stop.
I don't think human has only one life. For our sake, I really hope we have more. Sixty years is not enough. You waste twenty being ignorant, another twenty working, for most of us at least, and the last third... what happens to the last third? That's when the average man realizes he has waster 40 years and has only 20 left. I don't know how they cope with that. At 12, I realized my time was limited and that I had to make choices. At 19, I am sitting her, still undecided and very anxious. If I was born with this knowledge maybe I would have decided already.
I wonder what geniuses do with this knowledge. If twelve is early, imagine five or six... Do they panic the same way? Or do they find the solution and keep it for themselves? I don't remember meeting a truly happy human. I don't remember meeting a human with wisdom. Where do they hang? Do they truly exist? Or at they a myth? Perhaps they could be described as "wise" by the ignorant, and that could be me. Or anyone else who is slightly more intelligent than the average man. But I am not wise. I am simple conscious, aware.
I believe mankind has always been stupid. Some say that back in the day men were intelligent and in peace. I call bullshit. Men have always been the same and only some of us were remembered, because they were truly aware or lucky bastards. The second option might have been the most frequent too.
How will I reach happiness? When will I reach happiness?
I don't know.
I don't what I'm going to do.
I've never really known what I wanted. Strangely, I have had goals all my life, such as being successful, have money, be known all over the world... Teenage and childish dreams. I've always had this fear of failure and only recently I realized it was consuming me entirely, even in my art. So, I was saying "I have had goals"... Yes, but this same fear of failure kept pushing me down. I was scared that if I put my expactions too up, they wouldn't be met, and I'd fail. I've never failed. But I've never accomplished anything incredible either. Within two years, I have lost the will to really succeed, because the road to success is also a dangerous path that can take you to failure if you get lost or don't take the good decision. So I watch this road, uncertain.
I am at this moment filled with fear. I have written my thoughts in the past but never published them anywhere. And I never wrote so deeply. I believe I have never been so troubled either. Usually, when I am too troubled, I don't write at all. But I am in one of these rares moments when you have to let our some pressure, or you will explode.
I don't know what to expect from life anymore. Yet I am willing to live. Oh don't misunderstand me, this is not a suicide not. I wanna live. I always wanted to. But as I keep quiet I feel like my vision is being blurred. "I don't know" is leading my life all the way. I've never known what I wanted. I've always been a good student, a responsible girl. I had to take decisions in my life, and I realized that I was basing those decisions mainly on things that I didn't want to do rather than things I wanted to do. I've moved to Montreal because I didn't wanna live in Quebec. I've chosen the Arts and Literature program because all the other programs were uninteresting. I work because I don't wanna starve. Hopefully, some decisions I took were based on wishes of happiness. I don't regret them.
I'm driven by the will to improve, still. I don't know why I feel this need. I don't know where it will take me. But I believe I am good, and I wanna be better, if I can. There are actually things I would like, but would they make me happy? Will they?
I know who I am. I know how I am. I just don't understand what I want. I was expecting something. Maybe I am still. I'm scared nothing will happen and I will keep sitting on this chair, grow old, live poor and die. I am very unhappy when I think about this possibility. I do not want that. Then what do I want? I don't know. Perhaps I want to be happy. Or would happiness be enough to satisfy me? What am I expecting?
I would like not to have to fight to live. I would like not to have to work on weekends. This job is giving me nothing. Oh it isn't bad... probably the best partial time job I was employed for. But I don't plan to stay there all my life. I would like to be able to travel like I want. I would like to meet people. I would like people to be open, intelligent. I would like them to share some of my ideas. I would like to be happy. I would like to learn without restriction. I would like to meet great minds who would be willing to share their knowledge with me. That would make me happy.
And I want to be happy.
I hate to wait. People tell me that I am still young. That I have all life in front of me. But it makes years that I am waiting. And time is running too fast. Not long ago I was a kid. Not long ago I was a toddler. I understand why some of us want to make time stop.
I don't think human has only one life. For our sake, I really hope we have more. Sixty years is not enough. You waste twenty being ignorant, another twenty working, for most of us at least, and the last third... what happens to the last third? That's when the average man realizes he has waster 40 years and has only 20 left. I don't know how they cope with that. At 12, I realized my time was limited and that I had to make choices. At 19, I am sitting her, still undecided and very anxious. If I was born with this knowledge maybe I would have decided already.
I wonder what geniuses do with this knowledge. If twelve is early, imagine five or six... Do they panic the same way? Or do they find the solution and keep it for themselves? I don't remember meeting a truly happy human. I don't remember meeting a human with wisdom. Where do they hang? Do they truly exist? Or at they a myth? Perhaps they could be described as "wise" by the ignorant, and that could be me. Or anyone else who is slightly more intelligent than the average man. But I am not wise. I am simple conscious, aware.
I believe mankind has always been stupid. Some say that back in the day men were intelligent and in peace. I call bullshit. Men have always been the same and only some of us were remembered, because they were truly aware or lucky bastards. The second option might have been the most frequent too.
How will I reach happiness? When will I reach happiness?
I don't know.
I don't what I'm going to do.
