For the past week I've been feeling like utter shit. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I can do is sleep. I feel so heavy. I try and read but I can't form the pictures in my head. I try and eat but nothing tastes good. Hell, it's even a task to listen to music at times. I can't find the right piece to listen to.
There was a time when I was really closed off. I had these severe trust issues (well, I still somewhat do. but not as bad) and I was alone for a very long time. I went from being really sociable going to parties and having impromtu road trips to being completely closed off from the rest of the world. I didn't want to be near anyone. I'd look into people's eyes and all I'd see were liars, people out to get me. I don't even know what the basis of my thinking was. I probably just put it all in my head but I didn't like anyone for a long time.
I don't know what snapped me out of that trance. But looking back on it now it was kind of like a change in person. I was going from Del then to Del now and some changes are a little harder than others. Growing pains so to speak. During that time I did a lot of reflecting and maybe I was really seeing myself in all those people and I didn't like who I was. I'm a bad character. I have ulterior motives. But eventually I was just tired of it all and I finally decided to do something about it and here I am now.
When I started off this entry I didn't mean to drop all that. I just wanted to say that I felt like shit. But the way I was feeling was similar to how it was a few years back during that time of being cut off from the rest of the world. But about an hour ago I decided to play any thing J Dilla produced. Whether he's on the track rapping or he's simply the one who composed the music.
Jay Dee is my favorite artist of all time and I don't say that kind of thing lightly. And the song I put at the top of this page is a song called Fall In Love by Slum Village (a group he was once a part of when he was still alive). It came on and I felt like myself again. What really gets me is the chorus and the way it's sung over the keyboard. The sound makes my chest feel lighter and I can breathe easier.
I can't count how many times this has happened to me with a piece of Jay Dee music. Think Twice. Stakes is High. Won't Do. Love. The Light. Passing Me By. So many songs that just washes the world and lets me start over when it gets too heavy. While I'm sad that he passed away a few years ago, I'm grateful for the music he's made. So much soul. So much soul.