Was originally planning on an entry per day - figured it would be good writing exercise, emotional therapy, at the very least an extra virtual room to fill with the gaseous results of my sundry brain-farts. Then one day I just stopped.

I blame sook, in part, though really sook is a code-word here for "me". It's easier to say her challenge intimidated me into cessation of entries than to admit I froze up and chickened out.

It really isn't fair to say any of that - she was one of the few people to take the time to read my ramblings and comment and I know she is a woman without spare time. I deeply crave that feedback from people I respect and cherished the comments she left (as well as all the rest I received), but hers especially as she is a highly creative person and dealing with her I remember the times in my past whenI've been more creative myself.

SO she called me a word whore and said that was a good thing - and I have no doubt it is but then I started asking myself - what does this mean? That I use words freely and cheaply (though with a certain impersonal but professional skill?) Or that I throw myself with wanton abandon at any big word that looks like it can show me a good time? Anyway, all these wonderings were an excuse not to write because at the core of it :

1) I knew she meant it as a compliment and she doesn't give mean or empty compliments, I really was honored by it.

2) That coupled with her mentioning she has other friends that write and they play art/word games together to inspire each other and have fun left me feeling both very envious because it's been a long time since I've had a creative partner to work with in my writing (not that I need one but it can be fun) and reminded me she probably knows people with real talent and skill - people that work and live in NYC, a tough town of people with big dreams where you can't just be creative, but you have to be ambitious and determined and push yourself and I just....caved. Too intimidated. I'm sure I can't compete with that.

There's some saying, too lazy to look it up, but it roughly states you can be silent and have people suspect you're an idiot , or you can open your mouth and remove all doubt. Well, conversely this can be applied to any creative endeavor - I can talk all day long about needing to start or finish a project and have people go 'that sounds great , I look forward to it!' and they might think I actually can make something decent OR...I can finish something and show it and have them realize its....average. I don't think I am so bad as to enter the dreaded World of Suck, but average...yeah, been there, done that, bought the doublet.

Anyway, point of this entry is to give myself a proverbial kick inthe keester. I can bellyache and whine and worry and feel sorry for myself til I drop dead, or I can finish something for once that isn't a job or a house chore.

For now, i'm gonna take 5, hang with my baby and let my Id and jungian subconscious percolate, and when the day takes him away from me, I'll take a stab at the heart of my darkness.

Thanks for the inspiration and feedback , sook :)

(Thanks for the inspiration, patience and love, Diogo :love)