So I just got off the phone from the girly-friend and tried to sleep. Unfortunately someone though it were a cool idea to start playing techno at about 11:30. So now i cant sleep and have decided to whittle away my energy in writing this blog.

I miss my gf, i'll be honest. I aint a jack of the lad type who uses and abuses women who dont want to be used and abused. So I miss her, because not only is she my girlfriend and my lover, but also one of my best friends. But eh, she's coming back on Thursday, so i shall be happy then XD Until then, i have her piccies to keep me happy:


Whilst trolling through my photobucket to find that picture i found something that attributes to my past, something I was nostalgic about earlier. Today it makes me feel indifferent, but i try to imagine what I was feeling when i took the picture, i rather what i felt when i did the act in question. It wasn't because i was sad, it was because i was empty and without purpose. That's all changed now however, through self-will and determination i have broken out of what could have effectively fucked up my life. The picture in question is this:


I, destroy_musick, was a self-harmer. I aint afraid to admit that, I don't give a shit if you think i was an emo bitch either. You dont know me and you certainly dont know the reasons behind it. I'm posting it now though because even though I dont know you people, the faceless people of the internet world, i want you to know I was a cutter. It's not something im ashamed of anymore. I love myself and every aspect of myself, including my younger, reckless self. Would I cut again though? I havent done for 3 years, but I have had the urge to. It's not like it's a suicide attempt, any cutter will tell you that. It's an adrenaline rush of self-loathing more than anything.

Heh, it's one reason why i get fucked off with people who do it with no real reason. I couldn't begin to explain how shit i felt back then. No, shit doesnt even COVER how my life felt back then. It wasn't over women either, before someone asks. Try thinking of living a life where you have no meaning, nor control. You have no where to go and everyday you had to drag yourself out of bed to find something. The blood kept me feeling "alive". I know some of you wont even begin to understand that anyway. Heh.

It took alot out of me to get out of that and finally stop. The next step is telling people. (You people are not the first btw, so dont flatter yourselves XD I've come to terms with this years ago)

On a lighter note, I also found some screenshots of Dawn of War that i submitted to a screenshot contest. I didn't win (came 3rd place though!) with this beauty:


sorry for how large it is, but it had to be that big for the contest XD

So now im sitting in the dark, waiting for the music to stop. Which I believe it has done now. I'm not sure how i feel about this semi-self-harmer confession to the faceless unknowns out there. But i know that I have to do it one day and even have to tell my parents that those scars aren't from crazed college antics of throwing myself in bushes for dares. Heh.

I'm sure one day they'd try to understand.



Question: How many of you have wasted a night with someone you care about just staring out at the stars over the French sky? I know I have. Nothing beats that feeling, except maybe wasting time with someone worth wasting it with. A life of bliss that is.