Question: Those that have seen my pics, should I cut off my hair?

*****On with the blog*****​

Its late at night, you're chatting with various friends about random light hearted topics. Then one thing leads to another and one discussion triggers something within you that you've repressed for some time. A lid opens and a can of worms come out, a giant rush, a disorganized mess, and you suddenly don't know how to put your thoughts together. Its a bunch of puzzles pieces on the floor, but none of them fit with each other. You start making spontaneous remarks and rants about your personal life. You feel vulnerable. You feel weak. ~insert Naruto screaming he's weak~

I tend to be 99% laid back, relaxed, and funny depending on your sense of humor. I like to make myself laugh and I like to make others laugh. I absolutely love giving advice to my friends and helping them through their relationship woes, their academic struggles, their family arguments, and other issues that surround them. Then sporadically, that 1% of me comes out and its normally triggered by the most simplest of things.

That 1% is when my walls come down and I start revealing that behind my perverted jokes and beneath my smile is someone who actually does have real life problems to deal with. They are rarely anything major: no addictions, no dramatic relationships, no family traumas, or health issues. They are normally issues surrounding some of my personal flaws or insecurities about life.

These are issues I rarely address with my closest friends and family because I don't want to be seen as a nuisance. I don't want people to be worried about me. I'd rather help them through their struggles than expect them to help me with mine. Its not because I don't trust them, its because I don't want people to ever worry about me. I don't want to be seen as weak, I don't want the smiles that I put on people's faces to disappear because of me. I want them all to keep smiling because as long as they smile, I will do the same for them.

Normally, I'd address my problems rather swiftly so that others won't even notice I had issues to begin with. Blog writing alone is quite therapeutic, but I've neglected that side of me for the past year. I wrote entries every few months in my myspace and it typically involves casual discussions on reality tv shows or music that I enjoy listening to. Its rarely serious.

But last night, the lid was open and the can of worms came out and I enumerated my issues sporadically and vaguely. I feel terrible for making some of my friends read about it and I felt embarrassed about it. I felt weak. ~insert Naruto's "I am weak!!!" again~ I'm so used to having these impregnable walls surrounding me that for it to crumble down in a millisecond, I felt naked and exposed.

So rather than vaguely lamenting my life to you all, I'll just list the problems that I haven't properly rectified:

  • My introverted nature. Its more obvious during my seminars where I'm expected to speak up. I rarely participate in class discussion and no matter how much I try to, I end up failing miserably. If my speaking was half as good as my writing, I'd be the department start student.
  • I had relatives immigrate to the States a year ago, also at the same time that I started grad school. Its been very stressful on everyone in my family, including myself. The living condition isn't the best and the only solace I find is being alone in my room.
  • My changing ambitions. I started grad school with the intentions on eventually earning my PhD in history, working in academia and doing what I love most researching and writing. That has changed since I started, I now no longer have the same ambitions to continue anymore. I'm in a terminal MA program so its short term, but the desire is so weak, I'm even struggling with that, but I don't want to quit. I don't believe in quitting. So how do I revive my motiations?

That is it for now. I have more to say, but I shall spare you all. I just want to apologize and thank the NF'ers who listened through some of my random garbage last night. Perhaps, this entry will help you guys understand what I was trying to convey last night.